A Love Letter To Victory

About a month ago I moved from Van Nuys to North Hollywood and let me tell ya something: It was stressful. I had a week left to find a place and I just did not think it was going to happen in time. The credit of both my new roommate, Grace, and I was questionable at best. But we decided to apply to an apartment and pray like crazy.
We applied on a tuesday, got approved on wednesday, moved all of our stuff in on thursday, retrieved a fridge on friday, and then I left for an exhausting and wonderful weekend on saturday morning.
It was such a delightful and draining, blessing.

In the frustration of hunting for a place and being thoroughly worried that I would not have one, and then actually packing everything up and moving it out, I did not stop to think about the chapter of my life that was closing. Not until that thursday night when my room was finally emptied of possessions. That was the moment I realized that I had to say goodbye to something wonderful.

To Jack who retrieved me from the airport that one January night that feels like a life time ago.
When we rolled up to my new condo you said 'I always know our house because it is right after this bridge.' That helped me SO much those first couple of weeks.
You have introduced me to many films that have made my life so much richer. Thank you for screaming with me at 2 am and for giving me the dumbest super hero name ever. Your incredible talent will forever frustrate me. I am not sure that many people would know just how much you pay attention to others, but I do. You always surprise me with the things you seem to know about me just by observation. Being known is such a wonderful thing, a gift that I will always appreciate.

To Matt who takes care of others like no one I have ever met. Too smart for your own good and always so thirsty for more knowledge.
The night I found out that my mom had cancer you came into my room sat on my bed and said "If you need to go home, do not worry about anything here. We will take care of it." I do not think you could ever understand the weight that was lifted from my shoulders in that moment. When my second rental car died you called the company a thousand times the next day to make sure they got me a new one.
I know that me moving in was sprung on you without much thought and I am so grateful that you handled it all so graciously and that you made every effort to make me feel at home despite the circumstances. AND you cooked me awesome food. Thank you for taking care of me.

To my soul mate:
JUST KIDDING!
I adore you, Ryan Magrish. What on earth would I have done with you? I honestly do not even know where to start with this one. It's like generosity is just hard wired into your being. Not a week after my accident on the 405, you not only let me drive your car to work but you also did a test drive with me, at night, in the rain. Fro-yo would be void of meaning without you. You were the perfect companion for a girl with crazy Los Angeles dreams and no actual friends in the city. I have never encountered a presence that puts me more at ease. You never say the words 'I love you' but every one of your actions says it for you. Thank you so very much for being you.

To all three of you: It was brought to my attention recently that I was very lucky to have moved in to unit 3 of 16723 Victory Blvd. Every time people ask me if I knew anyone when I first moved out here I want to say 'yes'. But the thing is I had only met you once before I moved, I didn't really know you at all. Thank you for being the kind of guys that made me feel like a beloved little sister almost immediately.

I am in love with Los Angeles for so many reasons but I am certain that my first home out here was a very large part of that. I can not say enough about the three of you.

Love you guys. 

A Lesson in Unconditional Love

For those of you that don't know, my mom passed away in January. I loved her dearly. I'm certain that I am the luckiest person to have ever lived knowing that she chose to be my mother. With everyone in the world who never knew their mother or had mothers that abused them in every way possible, I have no right or desire to complain about my own.

However, I need to confess that part of me saw her as a villain. Especially in my decision to move to Los Angeles. When I moved she refused to let me buy a car out here. Insisting, instead, that she rent one for me for a couple months. She did not think I would stay out here so it would have been silly to buy a car.
I took that to mean that she did not think I could make it on my own. That I was weak and needed her constant care. That I could not accomplish the things I wanted to accomplish. That I would fail.
I felt like a prisoner in some ways. And ultimately when they told me that her fight with cancer was over, that there was nothing else to do but make her comfortable: I felt like a huge disappointment.

I had done nothing with my life to make my mother proud. 

I remember that moment. I could never forget it. I walked into the hospital room and my sister was crying. My mom said my name and I knew. I knew what they were going to tell me. 

I tried to keep it all in. To be strong and let her know that it was okay, that she didn't have to worry about me. I've never been very good at holding anything back and this spilled over quickly. 

"But I haven't done anything!" Were my very first words upon hearing the news. I was so enraged at myself for not being 'succesful' yet. In that moment it was the only thing that mattered. In that moment I gave up. My life was forfeit if the person who made it possible was not around to see it. 

Naturally the past couple of months have been difficult. Mostly because I really want to forget it all. I will have a memory of my mother, the tears will begin to well up, and I cut them off. I was certain that if I started crying I would not stop. Because where does it end really? Do you ever get over losing someone who was so important to you? So I refused to cry or talk about it. Let it go. Push it down. Cut it off. 

Eventually this strategy gave out because… duh. You don't just push stuff like that down and expect it to stay. But when it did well over Jesus was THERE. So yes, while the past couple of months have been difficult they have been filled with a sweetness I have never known. With each day I find joy in a different way. Joy that overshadows and heals my sadness. 

Just when I think Jesus could not be any sweeter to me He totally proves me wrong. Every time.
Every cheesy thing that was ever said about being in relationship with God is incredibly true. It's like waking up every morning and finding that the greatest love of your life is even more enamored by you and your heart than the day before.

He has been teaching me what unconditional means. What my free will means. He has been showing me that He does not care what I do as long as I am with Him.

He just wants to be with me.

I don't feel as though I could ever say those words in a way that would convey the depth of their meaning. He does not care what you decide to do with yourself as long as you have chosen Him. He just wants to be by your side. Learning this has been the sweetest thing. Literally. Nothing is sweeter. Nothing is better than that knowledge. He will never love me any more or any less no matter what I do or how bad I screw up. 

The only better realization than this was when He told me that my mom felt the exact same way. 

I was driving to Mosaic about a week ago and my mind was filled with the things I needed to get done that morning. Make sure the toilet paper was stocked and the back lobby was cleared. Stack the chairs in the auditorium properly. Reply to those emails. When my heart was overwhelmed with the knowledge that my mother did not care if I worked with Joss Whedon. She did not even know that is! She didn't care if I made a ton of money. She did not care if I solved world hunger. 

She just wanted to be with me.

That changed everything. Her attempts to persuade me to stay home in Kentucky and play it safe are no longer villainous. They are loving. Misguided, but loving. She loved me. She never understood why I had to come to California because she never understood why I would want to leave her. She certainly did not want to leave me. 

She did not need me to be anything but her daughter. What a wonderful thing to have had in my life. True unconditional love. 

It brings up a couple of regrets for me. New things to work through. In her last days I should have stayed by her bed. Instead I was consumed with errands to run. Things to keep me busy. I wish I would have just sat there and read a book while she slept.

Please do not misunderstand me in this. I do not believe that I should never have moved to California. My calling is definitely here. I would never have understood how much my mother loved me if I had not moved out here. How much God loves me. 

Even parents who trust God implicitly, hate when their children move away. It is something we get from God, Himself. (1 John 4:19 "We love because He first loved us.") The only difference is He knows what will make us better and even if it hurts us, even if it leaves us feeling as though we are not near Him, He lets it happen so that we can be our best self. 

It is my sincerest hope that my Momma Bear knew that I loved her as much as she loved me, but even if she didn't, I'm sure God has told her by now. 

Who loves you unconditionally? Who are the people in your life that have been there in the dark times? The times when you did not have an audition with a big time casting director? Acknowledge those people and thank God for them. They are truly life's biggest blessings. 

EMG

A Battle Cry

2013 was rough to say the least. 2014 found me looking at the broken pieces of my life with desperation at first but then hope as God came and began touching each part. Showing me the plan He had for the future of every broken piece.

I took comfort in my Father and let myself rest in His arms. Last week I came to the realization that it is no longer my season of rest. I have been hiding in God's shadow, as we are invited to do as His children, seeking the solace and protection it offered. But now it is time to take my place at His side. 

You have probably heard Ephesians 6:10-18 before. Even if you already know it, read it right now. Read out loud. Read it in a voice that commands authority. Read it like a battle cry as you survey your armor. 

Verses 17-18 (NIV)

"17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people."

What do you do with a sword? 

YOU FIGHT. 

So when Paul says 'pray in the Spirit' he is telling you to fight. Fight for God's people. Attack the enemy. Don't wait for him to make his move. 

The enemy found me hiding in the shadow of God and I cowered there, hoping that he would just quit taunting me if I ignored him long enough. That will not cut it anymore. 

A friend of mine said that as she was praying this week she kept hearing Satan interrupting. "The worst part was that I was starting to believe it!" She told me. She had been trying to ignore him, hoping that he would just quit but when she felt herself letting him get to her, she told God to hang on for a moment and then she let Satan have it! 

Recently as I was walking through a difficult struggle with another friend of mine, I was frustrated by the fact that I could not help them to see what I thought should have been as clear as a Los Angeles sky. And I realized that instead of jumping in to defend my clearly hurting sibling I was becoming angry at them for not understanding. The more I spoke, the more my pride bubbled up within me, telling me to simply state that they were being foolish (don't do that, it never helps to win someone over)

Verse 12 (NIV)
 "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

In a moment of clarity I stood up and began telling Satan that he better start running. Because I'm ready to do battle. And I'm not just fighting for myself or for the sake of the kingdom. I am fighting for the lives of the people that I love! I am picking up my sword, standing next to Jesus and I am not going to leave His side for a single second. And he better dang well be afraid because, now I know that I can't lose! I will stumble and fall, and mess up a billion times but it is impossible for me to be defeated! I fight in the army of the team that won 2000 years ago.  

My battle cry will be heard to the ends of the earth and the people will know that Erin Michele Gabbard is being taught to wield the sword of the spirit by the God that created the Universe. 

I'm not pushing back the darkness, or standing firm in what I believe. I am charging forward to cut the enemy down. To chop off the hand that is wrapped around my brothers' and sisters' throats! 

Who is with me? Who is ready to charge into a battle and fight with the armor and weapons we were given? 

When you encounter a brother or sister who is going through a difficult time this week, don't just tell them that you're praying for them. Tell them that you are FIGHTING for them. Let them know that you are ready to stand in front of their wounded selves and fend off anything evil that comes their way. 

But do not forget even as we are called to be warriors, we never fight alone. We fight with The God of the Angel Armies.

I love you all and I am fighting for you.

EMG

The Year of Growing Pains

2013… I have no words that can describe what this year did to and for me. 

I have never been more joyful, cherished, hopeful, excited, or right where I need to be. 

I have never grown more, believed more, prayed more, written more, or felt more beautiful or useful.

I have never heard God's voice, felt His presence, or let Him heal me more perfectly than this year. 

I have also never felt more desolate, cried more, or wished I had never been born more.

My world and heart were ripped wide open in 2013. That didn't change when midnight strolled through my door on the first day of 2014 and I don't see it changing any time soon. So now I have to make a decision about how that shapes me. 

That is why 2014 is going to be the year of character development. 

 There are far too many parts of me that flip flop their views on a day to day basis. This has to be over. I need to build a better foundation to stand upon when I get thrown a curve ball or tossed into the middle of blizzartsunmacainquake (a storm with all the worst parts of a blizzard, tsunami, hurricane, and earthquake). 

 This year might suck and it might be exquisite.

Let's get started. 

EMG

Emergency Praise Blog #2

I am a giant weirdo.

Have been my entire life. My nick name in elementary school was Oddball. 

AND I CHOSE IT MYSELF. 

I remember one particular day in the fifth grade when I decided that I was not going to be so weird. I was going to be like everyone else and I was going to stop doing weird things. 

I was never picked on or bullied in school but I somehow knew that I didn't quite fit. 

I made a lot of jokes that very few people laughed at. I did a lot of things that only I found to be fun. 

I think a lot of friends in high school might have described me as quirky but the truth is I am WEIRD. 

I love Jesus with everything I have and chose to pursue a career that can make it a difficult choice to follow my Savior. 

It's weird. 

Eventually I accepted the fact that I was weird and that I would never really fit in anywhere. My efforts to do so had been making me miserable. I read books at parties, and had no interest in drugs. My views on sexual purity are considered prudish. 

I am an odd mix of fan girl and athlete. 

So I finally embraced my oddities and learned to love exactly who I am. 

Although it did not change the fact that I still had the feeling that most people did not 'get me'.

Whatever that means. 

When I decided to move to LA I was braced for a battle. If I did not fit in at home I certainly was not going to fit into a place where EVERYONE is struggling to build a career on nothing and find real friends. 

And right now I can just imagine Jesus's tears of absolute joy as I boarded that plane. He must have been so excited for me. 

My Savior had been preparing this place for me. 

He had been preparing ME for this for 22 years. 

I had absolutely no clue, but He did.  He knew every one of the people that I was going to meet and how my heart would just open bigger and become brighter with each one. 

He could not let me conform myself in the slightest because He knew that if I just allowed myself to be the crazy weirdo I am, that I would eventually get here. 

Los Angeles. Mosaic.

He knew.

He KNOWS us, people! He knows us and He loves us!

I go to a church that celebrates the artist in each of us. That offers free improv and acting classes. 

GOOD, free improv and acting classes. 

The universe did not just align for me to stumble into something that would bring me this much joy.

The God who created the universe set a billion things into motion long before I was born so that I might    overcome fears and find myself in this place where my weirdness can flourish and bring light to this dark world. 

PRAISE HIS FREAKING NAME!!

Not only do I feel like I belong, but for the first time I feel valuable. I feel useful. 

It is a really nice feeling.

My Momma Bear: An update of sorts

Hello all of you lovely people!
I need to start off by asking that you don't stop reading this blog only halfway through. It paints me in a very human light and I need you to get to the part where God changes me so I don't look like a terrible brat.

Some of you may know that my mother has been diagnosed with uterine cancer. I really hate it. A lot.
I love her so much and I am really mad at this cancer thing for trying take her from the world.

That being said God has gotten so close and been nothing but comforting to me. Several months ago her sickness would have had me turning to God with rage in my heart. Now, however I turn to Him with sorrow and shame for the way I have contributed to the brokenness of this world.

Sickness was never supposed to be a part of our existence.

I am not proud to report that my first reaction was anger that I might have to go home. Go home and leave the life that took me so much courage to build.  My tears were more out of selfishness than grief. I found a place where I belong and I was going to have to give it up.

But I knew that if God wanted me to move back home that it would be the very best thing. He is not a God of misery or disappointment. He is the God of light and hope and happiness. Every single move He makes is for our freedom and our future joy. Even when we can not see, ESPECIALLY when we can not see, we have to trust that the ending will justify everything the present is using to torture us.

I know. It isn't always easy. 

Or ever easy for that matter.

So after a few conversations with friends and family members I realized I was going to have to suck it up and go home. My Momma Bear wanted to see me.

We planned for me to return in October (this was in August) for my parents' anniversary party. But a few days after this decision I found myself begging my heavenly father to send me back to Kentucky as soon as possible. They needed to know that I would lay down everything to be there for them.

Looking back on that night I realized that I was much like Abraham pleading for God to spare Sodom for the sake of ten righteous men. (Genesis 18: 20-33)

"Abraham was not bringing God into his story, God was bringing Abraham into HIS story."

-Erwin McManus

(I think Erwin phrased it a little differently but I can't remember the exact quote)

God WANTED to spare those people, just as He wanted me to go home and show my family ultimate love. So He could have easily said, "This is what's happening because it is the best way." But He wanted our hearts to break as His did. He wanted us to know the depths of compassion of which we were capable. 

So when I cried out for Him to please send me home, regardless of my lack of funds and time, and patience. When I asked Him to let me surprise and bless my family to the extent of my capabilities, His response was to weep for joy at the little bit of His heart that I had let consume my own.

My prayers were not me begging an unfeeling creator who may or may not grant them depending on his mood. They were God showing me what I was made of and He was more than happy to oblige.

When I got home from work I did some calculating that led me to the realization that I would have just enough money to purchase my round trip plane ticket and pay rent.

I am going to try to not go into too much detail about the trip because God did ALOT. He spoke. He moved. He showed my family that I am not the spoiled little girl who everyone thought was incapable of surviving on her own. (And let's be honest I'm not really surviving on my own. God has been spoiling me just a little).

I got to show my mother just how far I would go to care for her. 

I wondered that week if I would be moving back home. No one could blame me or say I had failed. No one could tell me that I hadn't tried. But in the end God was adamant that I needed to trust Him with the care of my family. He did not bring me to Los Angeles to teach me a couple of lessons and then take me back to Kentucky all humbled and ready to start His real calling for me. My calling has already begun. Although He most assuredly wants to humble me, because that is the best way our hearts can heal and provide healing for others.

A couple weeks ago I woke up to a call from my mother. (And I want to say that every time I get a phone call from a family member right now I assume the worst, so my nerves have been a little frazzled lately.) She tells me that after only two rounds of chemo the doctor is shocked and excited about how much her cancer has shrunk!

PRAISE JESUS!

We are not quite out of the woods yet but that was a victory. Still is a victory.
God is proving Himself very faithful in many ways. He is so not even close to being finished with my story.

So take heart cus His love is going to lead us through this very black night. You don't have to believe that because He is going to do it regardless but if you do it believe it your life will be so much richer and full of hope and joy. And hope does not disappoint us ;)

Getting back into the game,
EMG

The Healing

My life has been turned completely upside down since my last post and in between now and then God worked another miracle in my soul.

He is so good.

I got to go on a sunrise hike.

I don't really know where to begin this one. I kind of just wish there were spiritual cameras that could do a before and after picture of a heart made whole by God. 

In the last post I revealed that my fast did not end all too happily. I was still hurting, although I will say I was allowing myself to hurt without rushing off to the first immediate comfort I could find. That was a nice change of pace. 

As I crawled into bed that night I decided that the next day would be a day for choosing joy. I would not let the silly nuisances of daily life drag me any lower and I would certainly not give another inch to the situation at hand. I would speak Psalm 43:5 over my soul and that would just be that.  And it was actually kind of cool how well worked. You should really try it some time. 

Anyway, somewhere in the middle of that day, towards the end of my shift at work God started speaking to me. He was closer and louder than He had ever been. 

I wrote the words down and I still read them sometimes but they were kind of personal so I am going to go ahead and leave them out of this post. 

But I can tell you that it was nothing like I have ever felt before. As God reached out and touched my broken and decaying heart, I could feel it mending. I had to go through the fire to prove that I wanted it, to prove that I would take care of it, if it was given to me, and it was worth it. 

And I know that it was God because if I could make myself feel that way I would never stop. I would always live in that constant state of absolute joy. 

His desire is to heal us.

But just like you do not give an alcoholic a liver transplant, you do not give someone who has emotionally abused themselves a new heart. It would be such a waste, and God is anything but wasteful. 

So if you have something in your life that you know is not good for you, don't expect God to make it all better with a snap of His fingers just because you ask for it. You have to show Him that you are capable of making the hard decisions to take care of what He longs to give you. 

I will be honest right now, I thought the things that God was asking me to give up would leave me with a boring and fun-less life. Every time I remember I felt that way, I tear up. He has brought me so far and I owe Him so much. I can not believe that I thought those things would ever bring me more joy than the things God has for me. 

To think that His goal is anything other than our happiness and wholeness is a gross misunderstanding of why Jesus came to earth. Of why God created us in the first place.

The day He healed me was the day He knew that no matter what the cost I wouldn't go back to my old ways. So He expedited the process, if you will. And yes, like an alcoholic I still think of my old comforts and say 'Well maybe just a little...' or sometimes a flat out 'Yea, I know I'll regret it but I am in a lot of pain right now so let's do this.' But those voices have not won out just yet. They also seem to be getting fainter. 

This heart was so broken

It had been drug along the ground and through the rocks for a long time

Tape and bandages and earthly comforts were applied 

In the hopes that the brokenness would just heal itself

But the bruises just got darker and the cuts deeper. The beats, slower.

Then one day a light touched it and healed every wound 

The only thing the light asked for in return was a place to live

Be well and be blessed,

EMG