He is so good.
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| I got to go on a sunrise hike. |
I don't really know where to begin this one. I kind of just wish there were spiritual cameras that could do a before and after picture of a heart made whole by God.
In the last post I revealed that my fast did not end all too happily. I was still hurting, although I will say I was allowing myself to hurt without rushing off to the first immediate comfort I could find. That was a nice change of pace.
As I crawled into bed that night I decided that the next day would be a day for choosing joy. I would not let the silly nuisances of daily life drag me any lower and I would certainly not give another inch to the situation at hand. I would speak Psalm 43:5 over my soul and that would just be that. And it was actually kind of cool how well worked. You should really try it some time.
Anyway, somewhere in the middle of that day, towards the end of my shift at work God started speaking to me. He was closer and louder than He had ever been.
I wrote the words down and I still read them sometimes but they were kind of personal so I am going to go ahead and leave them out of this post.
But I can tell you that it was nothing like I have ever felt before. As God reached out and touched my broken and decaying heart, I could feel it mending. I had to go through the fire to prove that I wanted it, to prove that I would take care of it, if it was given to me, and it was worth it.
And I know that it was God because if I could make myself feel that way I would never stop. I would always live in that constant state of absolute joy.
His desire is to heal us.
But just like you do not give an alcoholic a liver transplant, you do not give someone who has emotionally abused themselves a new heart. It would be such a waste, and God is anything but wasteful.
So if you have something in your life that you know is not good for you, don't expect God to make it all better with a snap of His fingers just because you ask for it. You have to show Him that you are capable of making the hard decisions to take care of what He longs to give you.
I will be honest right now, I thought the things that God was asking me to give up would leave me with a boring and fun-less life. Every time I remember I felt that way, I tear up. He has brought me so far and I owe Him so much. I can not believe that I thought those things would ever bring me more joy than the things God has for me.
To think that His goal is anything other than our happiness and wholeness is a gross misunderstanding of why Jesus came to earth. Of why God created us in the first place.
The day He healed me was the day He knew that no matter what the cost I wouldn't go back to my old ways. So He expedited the process, if you will. And yes, like an alcoholic I still think of my old comforts and say 'Well maybe just a little...' or sometimes a flat out 'Yea, I know I'll regret it but I am in a lot of pain right now so let's do this.' But those voices have not won out just yet. They also seem to be getting fainter.
This heart was so broken
It had been drug along the ground and through the rocks for a long time
Tape and bandages and earthly comforts were applied
In the hopes that the brokenness would just heal itself
But the bruises just got darker and the cuts deeper. The beats, slower.
Then one day a light touched it and healed every wound
The only thing the light asked for in return was a place to live
Be well and be blessed,
EMG
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