I need to start off by asking that you don't stop reading this blog only halfway through. It paints me in a very human light and I need you to get to the part where God changes me so I don't look like a terrible brat.
Some of you may know that my mother has been diagnosed with uterine cancer. I really hate it. A lot.
I love her so much and I am really mad at this cancer thing for trying take her from the world.
That being said God has gotten so close and been nothing but comforting to me. Several months ago her sickness would have had me turning to God with rage in my heart. Now, however I turn to Him with sorrow and shame for the way I have contributed to the brokenness of this world.
Sickness was never supposed to be a part of our existence.
I am not proud to report that my first reaction was anger that I might have to go home. Go home and leave the life that took me so much courage to build. My tears were more out of selfishness than grief. I found a place where I belong and I was going to have to give it up.
But I knew that if God wanted me to move back home that it would be the very best thing. He is not a God of misery or disappointment. He is the God of light and hope and happiness. Every single move He makes is for our freedom and our future joy. Even when we can not see, ESPECIALLY when we can not see, we have to trust that the ending will justify everything the present is using to torture us.
I know. It isn't always easy.
Or ever easy for that matter.
So after a few conversations with friends and family members I realized I was going to have to suck it up and go home. My Momma Bear wanted to see me.
We planned for me to return in October (this was in August) for my parents' anniversary party. But a few days after this decision I found myself begging my heavenly father to send me back to Kentucky as soon as possible. They needed to know that I would lay down everything to be there for them.
Looking back on that night I realized that I was much like Abraham pleading for God to spare Sodom for the sake of ten righteous men. (Genesis 18: 20-33)
"Abraham was not bringing God into his story, God was bringing Abraham into HIS story."
-Erwin McManus
(I think Erwin phrased it a little differently but I can't remember the exact quote)
God WANTED to spare those people, just as He wanted me to go home and show my family ultimate love. So He could have easily said, "This is what's happening because it is the best way." But He wanted our hearts to break as His did. He wanted us to know the depths of compassion of which we were capable.
So when I cried out for Him to please send me home, regardless of my lack of funds and time, and patience. When I asked Him to let me surprise and bless my family to the extent of my capabilities, His response was to weep for joy at the little bit of His heart that I had let consume my own.
My prayers were not me begging an unfeeling creator who may or may not grant them depending on his mood. They were God showing me what I was made of and He was more than happy to oblige.
When I got home from work I did some calculating that led me to the realization that I would have just enough money to purchase my round trip plane ticket and pay rent.
I am going to try to not go into too much detail about the trip because God did ALOT. He spoke. He moved. He showed my family that I am not the spoiled little girl who everyone thought was incapable of surviving on her own. (And let's be honest I'm not really surviving on my own. God has been spoiling me just a little).
I got to show my mother just how far I would go to care for her.
A couple weeks ago I woke up to a call from my mother. (And I want to say that every time I get a phone call from a family member right now I assume the worst, so my nerves have been a little frazzled lately.) She tells me that after only two rounds of chemo the doctor is shocked and excited about how much her cancer has shrunk!
PRAISE JESUS!
We are not quite out of the woods yet but that was a victory. Still is a victory.
God is proving Himself very faithful in many ways. He is so not even close to being finished with my story.
So take heart cus His love is going to lead us through this very black night. You don't have to believe that because He is going to do it regardless but if you do it believe it your life will be so much richer and full of hope and joy. And hope does not disappoint us ;)
Getting back into the game,
EMG
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