A Lesson in Unconditional Love

For those of you that don't know, my mom passed away in January. I loved her dearly. I'm certain that I am the luckiest person to have ever lived knowing that she chose to be my mother. With everyone in the world who never knew their mother or had mothers that abused them in every way possible, I have no right or desire to complain about my own.

However, I need to confess that part of me saw her as a villain. Especially in my decision to move to Los Angeles. When I moved she refused to let me buy a car out here. Insisting, instead, that she rent one for me for a couple months. She did not think I would stay out here so it would have been silly to buy a car.
I took that to mean that she did not think I could make it on my own. That I was weak and needed her constant care. That I could not accomplish the things I wanted to accomplish. That I would fail.
I felt like a prisoner in some ways. And ultimately when they told me that her fight with cancer was over, that there was nothing else to do but make her comfortable: I felt like a huge disappointment.

I had done nothing with my life to make my mother proud. 

I remember that moment. I could never forget it. I walked into the hospital room and my sister was crying. My mom said my name and I knew. I knew what they were going to tell me. 

I tried to keep it all in. To be strong and let her know that it was okay, that she didn't have to worry about me. I've never been very good at holding anything back and this spilled over quickly. 

"But I haven't done anything!" Were my very first words upon hearing the news. I was so enraged at myself for not being 'succesful' yet. In that moment it was the only thing that mattered. In that moment I gave up. My life was forfeit if the person who made it possible was not around to see it. 

Naturally the past couple of months have been difficult. Mostly because I really want to forget it all. I will have a memory of my mother, the tears will begin to well up, and I cut them off. I was certain that if I started crying I would not stop. Because where does it end really? Do you ever get over losing someone who was so important to you? So I refused to cry or talk about it. Let it go. Push it down. Cut it off. 

Eventually this strategy gave out because… duh. You don't just push stuff like that down and expect it to stay. But when it did well over Jesus was THERE. So yes, while the past couple of months have been difficult they have been filled with a sweetness I have never known. With each day I find joy in a different way. Joy that overshadows and heals my sadness. 

Just when I think Jesus could not be any sweeter to me He totally proves me wrong. Every time.
Every cheesy thing that was ever said about being in relationship with God is incredibly true. It's like waking up every morning and finding that the greatest love of your life is even more enamored by you and your heart than the day before.

He has been teaching me what unconditional means. What my free will means. He has been showing me that He does not care what I do as long as I am with Him.

He just wants to be with me.

I don't feel as though I could ever say those words in a way that would convey the depth of their meaning. He does not care what you decide to do with yourself as long as you have chosen Him. He just wants to be by your side. Learning this has been the sweetest thing. Literally. Nothing is sweeter. Nothing is better than that knowledge. He will never love me any more or any less no matter what I do or how bad I screw up. 

The only better realization than this was when He told me that my mom felt the exact same way. 

I was driving to Mosaic about a week ago and my mind was filled with the things I needed to get done that morning. Make sure the toilet paper was stocked and the back lobby was cleared. Stack the chairs in the auditorium properly. Reply to those emails. When my heart was overwhelmed with the knowledge that my mother did not care if I worked with Joss Whedon. She did not even know that is! She didn't care if I made a ton of money. She did not care if I solved world hunger. 

She just wanted to be with me.

That changed everything. Her attempts to persuade me to stay home in Kentucky and play it safe are no longer villainous. They are loving. Misguided, but loving. She loved me. She never understood why I had to come to California because she never understood why I would want to leave her. She certainly did not want to leave me. 

She did not need me to be anything but her daughter. What a wonderful thing to have had in my life. True unconditional love. 

It brings up a couple of regrets for me. New things to work through. In her last days I should have stayed by her bed. Instead I was consumed with errands to run. Things to keep me busy. I wish I would have just sat there and read a book while she slept.

Please do not misunderstand me in this. I do not believe that I should never have moved to California. My calling is definitely here. I would never have understood how much my mother loved me if I had not moved out here. How much God loves me. 

Even parents who trust God implicitly, hate when their children move away. It is something we get from God, Himself. (1 John 4:19 "We love because He first loved us.") The only difference is He knows what will make us better and even if it hurts us, even if it leaves us feeling as though we are not near Him, He lets it happen so that we can be our best self. 

It is my sincerest hope that my Momma Bear knew that I loved her as much as she loved me, but even if she didn't, I'm sure God has told her by now. 

Who loves you unconditionally? Who are the people in your life that have been there in the dark times? The times when you did not have an audition with a big time casting director? Acknowledge those people and thank God for them. They are truly life's biggest blessings. 

EMG