A Love Letter To Victory

About a month ago I moved from Van Nuys to North Hollywood and let me tell ya something: It was stressful. I had a week left to find a place and I just did not think it was going to happen in time. The credit of both my new roommate, Grace, and I was questionable at best. But we decided to apply to an apartment and pray like crazy.
We applied on a tuesday, got approved on wednesday, moved all of our stuff in on thursday, retrieved a fridge on friday, and then I left for an exhausting and wonderful weekend on saturday morning.
It was such a delightful and draining, blessing.

In the frustration of hunting for a place and being thoroughly worried that I would not have one, and then actually packing everything up and moving it out, I did not stop to think about the chapter of my life that was closing. Not until that thursday night when my room was finally emptied of possessions. That was the moment I realized that I had to say goodbye to something wonderful.

To Jack who retrieved me from the airport that one January night that feels like a life time ago.
When we rolled up to my new condo you said 'I always know our house because it is right after this bridge.' That helped me SO much those first couple of weeks.
You have introduced me to many films that have made my life so much richer. Thank you for screaming with me at 2 am and for giving me the dumbest super hero name ever. Your incredible talent will forever frustrate me. I am not sure that many people would know just how much you pay attention to others, but I do. You always surprise me with the things you seem to know about me just by observation. Being known is such a wonderful thing, a gift that I will always appreciate.

To Matt who takes care of others like no one I have ever met. Too smart for your own good and always so thirsty for more knowledge.
The night I found out that my mom had cancer you came into my room sat on my bed and said "If you need to go home, do not worry about anything here. We will take care of it." I do not think you could ever understand the weight that was lifted from my shoulders in that moment. When my second rental car died you called the company a thousand times the next day to make sure they got me a new one.
I know that me moving in was sprung on you without much thought and I am so grateful that you handled it all so graciously and that you made every effort to make me feel at home despite the circumstances. AND you cooked me awesome food. Thank you for taking care of me.

To my soul mate:
JUST KIDDING!
I adore you, Ryan Magrish. What on earth would I have done with you? I honestly do not even know where to start with this one. It's like generosity is just hard wired into your being. Not a week after my accident on the 405, you not only let me drive your car to work but you also did a test drive with me, at night, in the rain. Fro-yo would be void of meaning without you. You were the perfect companion for a girl with crazy Los Angeles dreams and no actual friends in the city. I have never encountered a presence that puts me more at ease. You never say the words 'I love you' but every one of your actions says it for you. Thank you so very much for being you.

To all three of you: It was brought to my attention recently that I was very lucky to have moved in to unit 3 of 16723 Victory Blvd. Every time people ask me if I knew anyone when I first moved out here I want to say 'yes'. But the thing is I had only met you once before I moved, I didn't really know you at all. Thank you for being the kind of guys that made me feel like a beloved little sister almost immediately.

I am in love with Los Angeles for so many reasons but I am certain that my first home out here was a very large part of that. I can not say enough about the three of you.

Love you guys. 

A Lesson in Unconditional Love

For those of you that don't know, my mom passed away in January. I loved her dearly. I'm certain that I am the luckiest person to have ever lived knowing that she chose to be my mother. With everyone in the world who never knew their mother or had mothers that abused them in every way possible, I have no right or desire to complain about my own.

However, I need to confess that part of me saw her as a villain. Especially in my decision to move to Los Angeles. When I moved she refused to let me buy a car out here. Insisting, instead, that she rent one for me for a couple months. She did not think I would stay out here so it would have been silly to buy a car.
I took that to mean that she did not think I could make it on my own. That I was weak and needed her constant care. That I could not accomplish the things I wanted to accomplish. That I would fail.
I felt like a prisoner in some ways. And ultimately when they told me that her fight with cancer was over, that there was nothing else to do but make her comfortable: I felt like a huge disappointment.

I had done nothing with my life to make my mother proud. 

I remember that moment. I could never forget it. I walked into the hospital room and my sister was crying. My mom said my name and I knew. I knew what they were going to tell me. 

I tried to keep it all in. To be strong and let her know that it was okay, that she didn't have to worry about me. I've never been very good at holding anything back and this spilled over quickly. 

"But I haven't done anything!" Were my very first words upon hearing the news. I was so enraged at myself for not being 'succesful' yet. In that moment it was the only thing that mattered. In that moment I gave up. My life was forfeit if the person who made it possible was not around to see it. 

Naturally the past couple of months have been difficult. Mostly because I really want to forget it all. I will have a memory of my mother, the tears will begin to well up, and I cut them off. I was certain that if I started crying I would not stop. Because where does it end really? Do you ever get over losing someone who was so important to you? So I refused to cry or talk about it. Let it go. Push it down. Cut it off. 

Eventually this strategy gave out because… duh. You don't just push stuff like that down and expect it to stay. But when it did well over Jesus was THERE. So yes, while the past couple of months have been difficult they have been filled with a sweetness I have never known. With each day I find joy in a different way. Joy that overshadows and heals my sadness. 

Just when I think Jesus could not be any sweeter to me He totally proves me wrong. Every time.
Every cheesy thing that was ever said about being in relationship with God is incredibly true. It's like waking up every morning and finding that the greatest love of your life is even more enamored by you and your heart than the day before.

He has been teaching me what unconditional means. What my free will means. He has been showing me that He does not care what I do as long as I am with Him.

He just wants to be with me.

I don't feel as though I could ever say those words in a way that would convey the depth of their meaning. He does not care what you decide to do with yourself as long as you have chosen Him. He just wants to be by your side. Learning this has been the sweetest thing. Literally. Nothing is sweeter. Nothing is better than that knowledge. He will never love me any more or any less no matter what I do or how bad I screw up. 

The only better realization than this was when He told me that my mom felt the exact same way. 

I was driving to Mosaic about a week ago and my mind was filled with the things I needed to get done that morning. Make sure the toilet paper was stocked and the back lobby was cleared. Stack the chairs in the auditorium properly. Reply to those emails. When my heart was overwhelmed with the knowledge that my mother did not care if I worked with Joss Whedon. She did not even know that is! She didn't care if I made a ton of money. She did not care if I solved world hunger. 

She just wanted to be with me.

That changed everything. Her attempts to persuade me to stay home in Kentucky and play it safe are no longer villainous. They are loving. Misguided, but loving. She loved me. She never understood why I had to come to California because she never understood why I would want to leave her. She certainly did not want to leave me. 

She did not need me to be anything but her daughter. What a wonderful thing to have had in my life. True unconditional love. 

It brings up a couple of regrets for me. New things to work through. In her last days I should have stayed by her bed. Instead I was consumed with errands to run. Things to keep me busy. I wish I would have just sat there and read a book while she slept.

Please do not misunderstand me in this. I do not believe that I should never have moved to California. My calling is definitely here. I would never have understood how much my mother loved me if I had not moved out here. How much God loves me. 

Even parents who trust God implicitly, hate when their children move away. It is something we get from God, Himself. (1 John 4:19 "We love because He first loved us.") The only difference is He knows what will make us better and even if it hurts us, even if it leaves us feeling as though we are not near Him, He lets it happen so that we can be our best self. 

It is my sincerest hope that my Momma Bear knew that I loved her as much as she loved me, but even if she didn't, I'm sure God has told her by now. 

Who loves you unconditionally? Who are the people in your life that have been there in the dark times? The times when you did not have an audition with a big time casting director? Acknowledge those people and thank God for them. They are truly life's biggest blessings. 

EMG

A Battle Cry

2013 was rough to say the least. 2014 found me looking at the broken pieces of my life with desperation at first but then hope as God came and began touching each part. Showing me the plan He had for the future of every broken piece.

I took comfort in my Father and let myself rest in His arms. Last week I came to the realization that it is no longer my season of rest. I have been hiding in God's shadow, as we are invited to do as His children, seeking the solace and protection it offered. But now it is time to take my place at His side. 

You have probably heard Ephesians 6:10-18 before. Even if you already know it, read it right now. Read out loud. Read it in a voice that commands authority. Read it like a battle cry as you survey your armor. 

Verses 17-18 (NIV)

"17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people."

What do you do with a sword? 

YOU FIGHT. 

So when Paul says 'pray in the Spirit' he is telling you to fight. Fight for God's people. Attack the enemy. Don't wait for him to make his move. 

The enemy found me hiding in the shadow of God and I cowered there, hoping that he would just quit taunting me if I ignored him long enough. That will not cut it anymore. 

A friend of mine said that as she was praying this week she kept hearing Satan interrupting. "The worst part was that I was starting to believe it!" She told me. She had been trying to ignore him, hoping that he would just quit but when she felt herself letting him get to her, she told God to hang on for a moment and then she let Satan have it! 

Recently as I was walking through a difficult struggle with another friend of mine, I was frustrated by the fact that I could not help them to see what I thought should have been as clear as a Los Angeles sky. And I realized that instead of jumping in to defend my clearly hurting sibling I was becoming angry at them for not understanding. The more I spoke, the more my pride bubbled up within me, telling me to simply state that they were being foolish (don't do that, it never helps to win someone over)

Verse 12 (NIV)
 "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

In a moment of clarity I stood up and began telling Satan that he better start running. Because I'm ready to do battle. And I'm not just fighting for myself or for the sake of the kingdom. I am fighting for the lives of the people that I love! I am picking up my sword, standing next to Jesus and I am not going to leave His side for a single second. And he better dang well be afraid because, now I know that I can't lose! I will stumble and fall, and mess up a billion times but it is impossible for me to be defeated! I fight in the army of the team that won 2000 years ago.  

My battle cry will be heard to the ends of the earth and the people will know that Erin Michele Gabbard is being taught to wield the sword of the spirit by the God that created the Universe. 

I'm not pushing back the darkness, or standing firm in what I believe. I am charging forward to cut the enemy down. To chop off the hand that is wrapped around my brothers' and sisters' throats! 

Who is with me? Who is ready to charge into a battle and fight with the armor and weapons we were given? 

When you encounter a brother or sister who is going through a difficult time this week, don't just tell them that you're praying for them. Tell them that you are FIGHTING for them. Let them know that you are ready to stand in front of their wounded selves and fend off anything evil that comes their way. 

But do not forget even as we are called to be warriors, we never fight alone. We fight with The God of the Angel Armies.

I love you all and I am fighting for you.

EMG

The Year of Growing Pains

2013… I have no words that can describe what this year did to and for me. 

I have never been more joyful, cherished, hopeful, excited, or right where I need to be. 

I have never grown more, believed more, prayed more, written more, or felt more beautiful or useful.

I have never heard God's voice, felt His presence, or let Him heal me more perfectly than this year. 

I have also never felt more desolate, cried more, or wished I had never been born more.

My world and heart were ripped wide open in 2013. That didn't change when midnight strolled through my door on the first day of 2014 and I don't see it changing any time soon. So now I have to make a decision about how that shapes me. 

That is why 2014 is going to be the year of character development. 

 There are far too many parts of me that flip flop their views on a day to day basis. This has to be over. I need to build a better foundation to stand upon when I get thrown a curve ball or tossed into the middle of blizzartsunmacainquake (a storm with all the worst parts of a blizzard, tsunami, hurricane, and earthquake). 

 This year might suck and it might be exquisite.

Let's get started. 

EMG