The Fire

Erwin McManus

This 3 part blog series was possible because Jesus brought
me to this amazing church led by this very wise man.

God has taught me so much through Erwin and I can not wait for more.

Get your copy here! 

The fire portion of this series is difficult to write about. Not because of how much pain was involved but because of how much God taught me in such a short time. I had a hard time not making this post really long. 

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you."

James 1: 2-5

Perseverance is something that God has really been working on in my life. Reading over my previous blog posts and journals I can not believe just how far He has already brought me without me even realizing it. 

This time He needed me to realize it. He needed me to know exactly what I was doing. I had to understand that I would be fighting through a challenge. He wanted to teach me every meaning of the word perseverance. 

On the last post I mentioned starting a three day fast. I had not planned on actually doing the fast that had been issued as a challenge by Erwin (the pastor of Mosaic). I had planned on skipping that one. Eating is one of my favorite things to do, and I was about to encounter a weekend full of BBQ's with tons of free food. So you understand my hesitation in accepting this particular task.

But that Friday night a temptation was waved in front of my face. A temptation that I have never before resisted, no matter how many times it had led to my misery and heartache. It was unexpected and entirely too easy to take advantage of, but even though it pained me, I was able to turn it down.

I will admit that I turned it down originally hoping that something better was going to be presented. Knowing that if the better thing didn't show up I could go right back to the first thing as a consolation prize.

That knowledge was the catalyst for my fast. Presented with a decision for momentary worldly happiness I only said 'no' in the event that my ideal plan did not come through. And I must mention that my ideal plan not working out was going to leave me heart broken. Which it did.

Instead of going to God when the ideal plan was not an option I was going to go with my own back up plan, which was essentially just Novocain for the spirit.

Being numb is wonderful for shutting out the things that hurt us. However, being numb means not being able to feel the good things either. And God's good things are worth every single bad thing. 

So there I was realizing that if I did not make the decision to trust God to fix this now I was only delaying my future happiness. And in that instant, with no preparation, I began my three day fast.

It was painful. I wish I could put into words the misery of those three days, and yet I could feel God near. He did not speak, He only hovered so I would know that I was on the correct path. I had thrown myself directly into the refining fire and all He could do was let me know that He was at my side.

It was really all I needed.

I finished the fast the way I had begun it. In pain. Both physically and emotionally. There had been no great revelation from the Creator and my ideal plan had let me down.

However I did get to enjoy a tasty Sidebar burger! (Memo to all embarking on a three day fast: DO NOT make your first meal a burger. It will hurt.)

But God was at my side. The fire wasn't easy at first, but I have never felt nearer to my Savior. One blog post could never be enough to describe how all of the fire has changed me and made me better, stronger.

I wish I could express the absolute joy and power I have experienced in my walk through this fire (it is no where close to over), but the thing is I can't. It is something you have to experience for yourself.

When you recognize something in your life that you need to remove and then go about removing it, God gets really close to you.

"Come near to God and He will come near to you."

You have heard the verse, but what you might not have heard is that when God is near you are going to experience the most amazing things. I could never say enough words to make you understand what I mean. You really have to do it yourself. 

Ask God to reveal the things you need to give up, and when He reveals them GIVE THEM UP. I clung to my own comfort for far too long. All it did was delay my growth and happiness. 

In the end He gave me this little poem to tell me how proud He is:

The fire is sharp and unrelenting

The word cruel doesn't deem too far off either

And yet here I stand in the middle of the flames 

Looking deep into Your eyes

Clinging to the promise they hold

Your own feet buried deep in the coals next to me

Even though You have passed this test many times before

The tears in Your eyes are pride and victory

Rejoicing for who I am to become

Preparing for the death of who I now refuse to be

The things we cling to out of familiarity can not sustain us. Let them go and trust that God will honor your willingness to go through the fire. He will bless your choice and He will not let you down. 

My next post is "The Healing". It is all about the wonderful things I have experienced because I chose to walk into the fire with Jesus. The words 'God is good' have come to hold such an incredible weight that I want the world to know.

Hoping you all are having an incredibly blessed month,
EMG

The Wound

Wounds come in many shapes and sizes and depths. They can reach back to your childhood or last week. Often they are not your fault, but they are still a part of you and you HAVE to stop scratching them.

One of mine had been there for quite a while. It became one of those things that I had accepted as part of my life. Something that I would simply have to carry around and deal with when it came up.

Mostly it has affected my dating relationships. You see whenever I start dating someone new I have a length of time where I just freak out. I live inside my head, I analyze everything they do, and get angry over the tiniest things.

Now, quite a few girls do this, so it could just be written off as part of our gender. But the truth is that we are not supposed to live with our hurting hearts simply because most people are in the same boat. 

We need to start asking God how to heal and then combat these wounds. 

I had a fairly intense weekend where I began a fasting challenge issued by Erwin McManus, the pastor of Mosaic. I began the fast in desperation. As a last ditch effort of sorts to rid myself of all of my silly thoughts and draw super near to God so that He would make my problems disappear.

I think I’ve grown more in the past week than I have ever. And there have definitely been some growing pains.

The first night, I was hungry and tired. My prayers were less desperate and more weary. I was a sleepy toddler resting in her father’s arms, while still asking questions about life’s great mysteries: Boys.

That was when God spoke to me so clearly.

“This is not about you and boys.

 This is not even about you and me and boys.

This is about you and me.”

This may be the first time I have mentioned hearing God speak to me in this blog. It is difficult to explain the way I hear God. I do not always hear Him so clearly. Sometimes I have to wonder if it was my own thought or God trying to break through the chaos that is my mind. And then other times it is so clear that I can barely keep from shouting with how present He is.

This time was certainly the latter.

 And would you believe that my reply was “But God, this is just a part of who I am. I will have to have this conversation at the beginning of any relationship I start because that is the way I have always done it.”

God’s response (once again more clear than normal)

“No. This is not something to work out with a boy. This is something I want you to work out with me.”

Whoa. Freaking whoa.

From there God took me back to where the entire thing began. The root, if you will. It was not a self-inflicted wound, but it was a wound that I refused to let heal. It was something that I scratched at until it became raw and infected and in desperate need of cleaning.

When a child itches at one of their ‘boo-boos’ there is really nothing a parent can do to go about helping it heal before they teach the child to stop scratching.

So even though I have walked with God for a bit now and He desires nothing more than to heal me and make me whole, it just was not possible until He could make me realize that continuing on the way I had been was not going to help.

The thing is we often don’t realize we are hurting ourselves. Itching the wound feels good and so we just keep doing it, totally unaware of the damage we are causing. Luckily God loves us enough to show us. 

I began to let God heal me that night. He may have told me it would be painful but at the time I just did not care. He was so near and so audible that all I could think about was the fact that I got to be close to my savior for a bit.

Most of us have a wound that we have accepted as part of our being because we see no earthly way to rid ourselves of it. 

It is just our baggage. 

And oh, how I have grown to despise that phrase. God doesn't want us carrying all this baggage around just because everyone else is doing it. He wants to make us whole and baggageless. He desires to heal us to the fullest. And He knows just how to get the job done.

So if you are in pain from a wound that you just can not seem to get rid of, ask God about it. Ask Him where it came from, ask Him to heal it, and then take His hand and hold on tight because the healing is not always easy. It will be the best thing that ever happened to you and you will be so grateful on the other side, but in order for God to heal us of all the things we put ourselves through we have to go through the fire. And unfortunately there is just no spiritual Novocain. 

In my next post I will share a little bit of my own fire with ya. So stay tuned!

EMG